Employees must applaud the planets.
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Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
live long and prosper!
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it