@Asbo_Unicorn: Unicorns have one horn and everyone says "ooh they're so magical" Cow's have 2 horns & no one cares even though they taste so much better
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@lifecoachfit: It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: "your turn"
@TheFraudMallu: My grandmother reads obituary column in the newspaper everyday. It is pretty much like searching for your childhood friends on Facebook.
@TheMichaelRock: We're expecting 12 inches tomorrow night. Well played, Black History Month. Well played.
@TheGladStork: When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.