United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?