[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
first you must answer his riddles
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Y’all know who you are.