[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
You Might Also Like
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March