Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
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‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.