Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
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Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I want to meet the individual who made this
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Me too
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.