Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
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My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
When you try jalapeños for the first time
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…