Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
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Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!