Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
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Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
You got this…
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go