Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
You Might Also Like
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)