Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
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Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger