I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
You Might Also Like
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
remember
only for emergencies
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign