Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god