Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
You Might Also Like
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.