@aveuaskew: Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature's most elusive and successful serial killers.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [reading Harry Potter] Me: Do you know what's going on? 3-year-old: He went to lizard school. I'd correct her, but her version is better.
@juliussharpe: I'm scared to go to sleep tonight knowing some maniac is running around out there slightly deflating footballs.
@Playing_Dad: [Rappers job interview] Boss: What is your biggest weakness? Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can't speak. I'm a geek. Birds have feathers.