Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”