Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
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I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told