Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
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doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
She was rare, like a goth jogging
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me