I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
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9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!