Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
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Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.