Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
no one ever comes back
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree