@emmatheist: Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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@StinkyGr33n: Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today: Me: What do you call a terrorist who's missing an eye? Him: I give up Me: A terrorst
@iLikeCatShirts: Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn't want to dance anymore.
@stenokel: Jehovah's witnesses are at my door. *Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, "Are you the keymaster?"*
@Mr_Kapowski: My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we're born 8 y/o daughter: Wife: ZACK!