Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.