[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
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Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.