Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer