Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
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Tuesday
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me