Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.