“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
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If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
i wish we could shoplift online
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
🐕🍷
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-