“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.