Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
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Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Somebody call the cops.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.