[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
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Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I