If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack