I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”