[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed