@palokin: Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
@INDlAN_: When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
@Reverend_Scott: Police: We'd like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband's disappearance. Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?