Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Haha! 😂
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>