Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
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FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
me 2 months after i graduated
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.