Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
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“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
How dude HOW?!
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
me when I see my crush
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes