Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I’ve been learning to cook.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end