How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
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If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
The best plant holders?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”