us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
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Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
thank god
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
This is enough internet for the day.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.