My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Bless you
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.