Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.