@funnyordie: Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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@Darlainky: [at parent-teacher night] Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler* I see you're a coffee enthusiast, too Me: Coffee? Oh...yeah, coffee*wink*
@KrazykurtKurt: When #EgyptAir announced "he's not a terrorist, just an idiot" My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
@mjkspeaks: [on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
@Reverend_Scott: [Interview] "You were arrested for armed robbery?" I had no choice. It's silly to try and rob a bank without your arms. "We'll be in touch."