@funnyordie: Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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@onion_an: Therapist: What's the problem? Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me [petting a bee]: You're not strange are you Alan
@JohnLyonTweets: So the waiter said "The plate is hot" and I said "I'll be the judge of that, haha." Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
@yoopnative: I'm broke but not "vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it" broke. *more than twice.