@funnyordie: Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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@DirtMcTurd: Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
@InternetHippo: What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
@Its_Miss_Riss: Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
@iwearaonesie: *asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*