“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
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Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”