“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
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4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
how much for the angry fruit?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier