Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
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me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Cats (2019)
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
the council will decide your fate
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.