GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
You Might Also Like
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Not helping
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.