You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
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If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I am never leaving this website
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic