Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
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911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.