If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
You Might Also Like
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
All excellent questions
My zodiac sign is pistachio
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*