yes yes a thousand times yes!
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[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I can fix him.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*