Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
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My dad is at it again
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR