I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
wow he looks just like him
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.